Am I normal?

Am I normal??? I've been battling with depression and anxiety for the last 6 months. Everything seems normal except that I am always angry with no reason at all. I'm impatient, wants to do My way, will not take no for an answer, aggressive and so on and so forth. My relationship with the people around me turns sour. I am always angry at one person to another and the cycle continues. I get annoyed easily and frustrated most of the time. Nothing can make me happy. I'm always sad and sometimes I cry with no reason at all. I've seen a doctor for couple of times... I thought she might be of help but instead it turns out worst..  My pasts hunts me...and she said it all began during childhood, which I don't agree at all. Then I stopped my therapy with her.. I told myself...if no one can help me I'll help my self but it didn't work. I was okay for few days, weeks then I'll have my attack..then I'll be okay again for few days then another attack. 

I turned my anger and frustration to retail therapy I thought it will helped me be happy. Yes, I was okay for few days but when I see my wallet and my bank account I get depress again.

Today, is my nth time to have one of those attacks. I sometimes feel really bad for my husband because I always vent my anger and frustration onto him. He is the most patient and understanding person I know. There are times when I think of just going away somewhere alone...where no one knows me..but I'm too scared. This day is one of the day that I hate most...I hope I'll feel better soon. :(

Tres Bellas- BFF forever

 Taken summer of 1999

(Karen left, Jhey-R middle and Me right)

 Reunion after 6 yrs of separation at C2 Shangri-la Mall

Jan 2012

My wedding day Jan 22, 2012

I was so lucky to have friends like them. I have met them during college volleyball try outs at UST way back summer of 1999. I've known Karen Co Yu Kang in highschool pa since she also plays volleyball for  Jubilee Christian Academy while I play for UST junior spikers. We get to see each others team sa mga interschool competition. Si Jhey-R naman we just met her duing the try out..as in no formal volleyball experience pero since matangkad sya pasok na sa team.hehehe (lagot ako kapag nabasa nya to.) Her real name is Kathleen Estrada-Macsule since during that time sumikat yung anak ni Ex-President Joseph Estrada na si JR and she really do look like her we fondly called her Jhey-R na rin with social spelling :)

Although we have been together as a team for a little over a year lang our friendship did not end from there. From pulot ng bola to Karen's volleyball stardom, from JheyR's boyish looks to looking Donya we are still the same PG sa pagkain. 

We separated and part ways in 2006 when I left Philippines to work as a Nurse in Dubai while Jhey-R left few months after to go to US with her family. Kahit na we were in different parts of the world we still try to communicate with each other. Every time I go home in Manila for annual vacation I see to it that I meet Karen to make up for the lost time and to update each other. Jhey-R unfortunately cannot come home yearly since her family is moving countries from time to time. 

2012 is indeed a memorable year for us. We were able to complete the Tres Bellas. Jhey-R made it to my wedding. :) It is also her first time to go back in Phils since she left in 2006.

Cheers to our friendship... 

Sansrival Wannabe

I'm back in business again. I am losing control and working hard in the kitchen lately. My grocery bills are shooting like a rocket because of my baking ingredients.

Couple of weeks ago we went to Canberra to attend our goddaughter's first birthday. One of their dessert was Sansrival especially baked from Sydney. Everyone is taking about it although hot foods are being served I asked my kumare's mom if I could get  a slice of sansrival already.

I've been bugging by my husband to make this Sansrival. Even his sister is asking me to try making it. When you first look at it, it seems complicated. I read a lot of blogs and filipino cookbooks to get inspiration and idea on how to make this awesome cake. After 2 weeks of preparation and research and due to availability I gave it a try. The icing looks messy thou but since this is my first time forgive me for that :) I'll be more careful lately and will use the right tools to make it looks presentable next time.

SANSRIVAL

I got the recipe from this blog cooking with all my heart. I omitted the chocolate part but the rest is the same. Here is my edited version. 

Ingredients:
For the meringue bases

• 5 large egg whites, at room temp
• 1/2 cup white granulated sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
• 1 cup  ground toasted cashew
• 1 teaspoon clear vanilla

or the French Buttercream

• 5 large egg yolks, room temperature
• 1/2 cup white granulated sugar
• 1/8 cup  water
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 1/2 cup margarine
• 1 teaspoon clear vanilla

Directions:
For the meringue base

• Preheat oven to 160 C
• Line a large baking tray with parchment paper and draw 4 circles around 6 inches diameter.
• In a mixing bowl, beat egg whites on medium until foamy.
• Sprinkle with cream of tartar. Gradually add sugar, a couple of tablespoons at a time, continuing to beat now at high speed until stiff shiny peaks form. 
• Fill the meringue into a piping bag. 
• Pipe the meringue in the circles drawn in the baking tray, evenly to edges. 
• Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until golden brown. Remove the meringue from the baking tray while still hot; allow to cool slightly. 
• When cool, trim edges so that all 5 meringue layers are uniformly shaped. Set aside.

For the French Buttercream

• Put the egg yolks in a mixing bowl. Beat at high speed until the yolks have doubled in volume and are a lemon yellow.
• Put the sugar and water in a heavy pan and cook over medium heat, stirring the sides down only until all the sugar is dissolved and the syrup reaches 112°C .
• With the mixer on high, very slowly pour the syrup down the sides of the bowl, until all has been added. Be careful as the very hot syrup could burn you if it splashes from the beaters. Continue beating on high until the mixture is ROOM TEMPERATURE (about 8 mins). 
• Still on high, beat in the soft, room temperature butter and margarine a tablespoon at a time. Add vanilla flavouring after you beat in the butter. 
• Refrigerate the buttercream for at least an hour, and whip it smooth just before you use it.

To Decorate:

• Set bottom meringue on cake board with a dab of butter cream to hold it in place. 
• Spread a thin layer of buttercream and then place another meringue on top. 
• Repeat with a thin layer of buttercream, meringue, thin layer of buttercream, meringue, and finally buttercream the top and sides. 
• I used the cocoa flavored buttercream for decorating the cake by piping rosettes on the Sans Rival.
• Decorate with reserved nuts..

Braso de Mercedes

(Filipino Custard Roulade)

My husband is bugging me to bake something. I am so lazy these days and baking is just out of my system lately. After few days of persuasion..He won! yay! :) He said he wants something Filipino and I've been longing to make this. I still has doubts in me that I might not be able to make it "Goldilocks"style but still gave it a go. Bahala na si Batman. As long as I can read and follow the baking instruction carrybelles na yan!

My first try in Melbourne was awesome as in I ate half of the roll but when I tried baking it last week in Canberra for Jon's family... Oh.lala! It was a big Palpak. :( but it still taste like Braso de Mercedes tho hindi nga lang perfect ang appeal.

Here's the link by the way. Such a helpful website for Filo's abroad :)

Panlasang Pinoy: Braso de Mercedes

2012 Bucket list

I've been very lazy lately. I haven't uploaded some photos from my last vacation in Hong Kong and Macau. I haven't done the Thank you cards for all our guests.. There's so much things to do..laundry, general cleaning of the house and so much more. Time flies so fast and it's too hard to plan my days kasi it's so unpredictable.

It's already Februray..pero ihahabol ko pa rin ang things to do in 2012 ko:

1. Hopefully, we'll have a baby this year! Go year of the Dragon! :)
2. Move back to Canberra. Jon will hopefully open his Restaurant before the year ends.
3. Will continue my baking but this time for a living na. :) Magdalena's Delight! this is it!
4. Bungy Jumping in Cairns or Sky Diving at wherever basta pwede pang tumalon tatalon ako.
5. I will get that Gucci bag before the year ends.. Kahit manghold up ako ng asawa gagawin ko!!
6. I will cut down my caffeine intake..and this is in preparation for the baby :)
7. Will continue to lose weight..Target weight is 70kg :)
8. Be active again...so tamad to exercise :(
9. Sewing..Sewing Sewing. Sayang ang sewing machine kung hindi ginagamit :(
10. Learn to drive..

Canberra October Getaway

It has been 5 months since we last saw our family in Canberra.. We miss them so much especially the kids. Jon and I hardly get the same days off together and since it has been a chaotic month at work I can't request for any days off any more. Guess what I did?? The thing I hated most about people at my previous work.. Shhhhhhhh.... SL :)

Yeah.. I need off so I can regain my strength, recharge my soul, being commune again with nature, reconnect with my in laws and the never ending chismax until dawn. 2 nights at Canberra is all worth it. Plus I get a chance to spend time with my instant babies most specially Tilly Bear.

Isn't she Adorable?

Griffin planned this after school field trip at the Zoo since he remembered that her Ninang hasn't seen a Wombat yet..

My first Wombat encounter

Some of my new found friends at the Zoo.

Lemon Butter Cake

Another day of cravings... I miss my Mom's buttercake. Too bad I haven't got the recipe from her yet. Then I decided to browse the net for the best moist buttercake. Which lead me to this food blog Nasi Lemak Lover .

I tried and baked it..It was good. Then I added it to my recipe book for future reference :)

Ingredients
125g butter
100g sugar
1 lemon rind
2 large eggs
175g self-raising flour
4 tablespoon milk
1/2 tablespoon lemon juice

Lemon glaze
3 tbsp sugar
1 lemon juice


1. Beat the butter with the sugar until fluffy.
2. Add in the eggs one by one, then add in lemon rind, mixing well.
3. Fold in the flour and milk, combine well.
4. Pour the mixture into a loaf tin lined with greaseproof paper.
5. Bake in pre-heated oven at 180C for 40mins.
6. Mix sugar and lemon juice and cook over low heat till sugar dissolved, add in lemon rind, set aside.
7. When cake done, remove cake from the oven and prick all over with a skewer.
8. Pour over the lemon glaze over the hot cake.
9. Ideally to leave cake to set overnight, to have better flavour.